Birthday Blues

I woke up today feeling lonely. I think I really shouldn’t be browsing things that will make me more upset than I should allow myself to be. I know I shouldn’t be moping around. As they say “every gising is a blessing” and after saying my “Good morning, Lord!” prayer, I ended up taking a little longer pondering things.

I got up and went through my usual routine. I got in the office and opened Facebook. That time, Louie was online and we had a quick chat. I told him I feel bad for no apparent reason. He thought I only meant it was just about finding a boyfriend. But really, it wasn’t all about that.

I agree, partly, it gets lonely thinking you will be adding another year and you are still single. It can get a bit frustrating sometimes and there is that fear that you may end up alone and lonely for the rest of your life. However, I am too busy getting some things in other aspects of my life in order to even bother entertaining suitors now. (feeler lang eh)

What I felt worried and lonely about is the fact that I am adding another year and still I feel that I have not accomplished enough. I don’t have enough savings. I am still trying to find my way through adulthood. I don’t even know what will happen in my career in a span of days. I am worried about the things I was never able to do even if I “feel old”.

Louie however told me that teaching is something new to me. He meant it to tell me maybe I can find someone in school and hopefully a romantic relationship would ensue. For me though, his words served as a reminder that I shouldn't be whining about all the things I'm never able to achieve in the past 26 years as there were other things that God has given me. And they are things that exceed my expectations and my own plans.

I remember now what Teacher Jen told us when we invited her for dinner: You get lonely and unsatisfied when you start to look out the window. Our dissatisfaction starts to surface when we start comparing our lives with other people's. 

How come she has a house of her own house now?
Will I ever finish my master's degree?
How is it that she has stayed in the same company since after graduation?
Why am I still confused about what I am doing now?
Will I ever be able to travel outside the country?
Will I ever get married and have kids of my own?

Thing is, we always feel unsatisfied because we think other people have it better. The Desiderata poem points out that there will always be better people than us and we shouldn’t be bitter because of it. Instead, we should learn to embrace what is within our grip and look at the positive things.

The birthday blues hasn’t totally left me but somehow, I manage to constantly tell myself that God is in control of my life. There are so many things out there that I wish would happen to me, NOW. But, what if God is asking me to wait because He is preparing the best for me?

So many questions. So many uncertainties. Only one truth: Everything beautiful happens in God’s perfect time.